It's official - I am a lazy blogger. I don't even have anything really important to talk about with regards to anyone else. Heck, my life is so dull I don't have a lot to talk about there either. Still, I made a login, so why not?

I spent quite a while away from school last term. I missed a whole heap. It could be worse, I could have not come back at all. I don't know what happened. I just didn't wake up one morning. I feel kinda bad - I know my parents worry about me and I've been lying to them and telling them I've still been going to school, but this entry is being written in the middle of class. We were testing computers and installing a new copy of XP on them. I had quite a bit of fun, actually. The last time I installed an operating system, it had nothing to do with the actual systems, as we did it in VMWare. Just a bit different.

I've been following author's blogs lately. Specifically, gay erotica. Many people will think nasty things about it, but I like it. The relationships in those stories always seem so much more romantic. At least, the romance ones do. Yes, there is smut involved, but what I take most from these stories is the sense of belonging to another person that I've never felt in real life. Kinship, I suppose, is one word for it. It's that feeling like there is a place you belong in the universe. I've never felt that. Even though I'm at school right now to meet the university entrance requirements, and I have some courses outlined that I'd like to study when I get there, I still have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. I've never had a passion, one thing that I was particularly good at and wanted to pursue with all of myself. The things I have been particularly good at I have found losing my interest very quickly. The little hobbies I enjoyed got me into trouble. Instead of doing what my teachers already knew I could do, I started reading novels, or doing origami or drawing. I like music, but I prefer to sing than play an instrument, and even then, I'm mostly too shy to sing for an audience. I'm getting better about that, but not that much better.

My best friend, Candice, is my rock. I have had to cry on her shoulder in frustration more than once over the last few months. I don't like showing weakness, even to her, but knowing that I can show someone that side of me and she won't laugh or poke fun at me for it makes me feel better about it. She says that it goes both ways, and I agree. More than once, she has asked me to go out with her to the mall or for a walk and I've never known something was wrong, but she has been soothed somewhat just because I was there. She says I'm one of her only friends who drops everything for her, when most of the friends she does that for don't reciprocate. It's funny, too. I feel like a part of her family. Her mum is my second mum, her sisters are my sisters, and her stepdad knows how to make me laugh when I need it. They have such a briiliant family dynamic, it's hard not to be swept up in it.

I've lost weight. Well, technically, I've lost mass, but anywho, I feel good. I only noticed because I was hanging out with Candice and her mum and sisters and our mutual friend Anup, for her birthday, and her mum mentioned it. The next day, I went to my old workplace, and two other people pointed it out. I weighed myself - I've lost over 10 kilos! It's kind of a shock to me - I'd gotten used to being 98 kilos. I haven't really changed anything about the way I eat, or if I have, it's been more junk food not less, and I haven't been exercising any more or less than normal. Still, I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

The latest book series I've been reading is Christine Feehan's 'Dark Carpathian' series. The 23rd book is coming out sometime this year. Funny enough, I got most of the books in the series from the library books sale in March. I started reading them and was captivated. They don't hold a candle to the Artemis Fowl series or Laurell K Hamilton's Anita Blake and Merry Gentry series', but they're still brilliant books. Speaking of Artemis Fowl, the last novel in the series was released earlier this month. It's sad that his adventures are ending - I've been dutifully reading about him since the first books came out - but he's had such a good ride. Anyone that hasn't read Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl series needs to do so. Immediately.

Nearly the end of class, so I'd better sign off. Bye!

Family Abuse

The things you see on television and in the newspapers about family abuse tell you stories of horrible bruises, internal injuries, hideous murders, things that will heal with proper care and attention. What they don't tell you is about the careless word that cuts someone to the bone and leaves a scar for life. People pay such attention to flesh wounds, but forget that sometimes the damage is so much deeper and more painful. You can set a broken bone, heal a cut, but your memories will stay with you as long as you live. Even now, I can remeber almost every name I was ever called in primary school by other kids who never bothered to get to know me. The names though, the names I can and have dealt with. The tone in which they were said, however, is something I try hard to forget. It's not easy though, when those same tones come out in my parents' voices when they've had a hard day. When they don't want to deal with their 18-year-old daughter telling them how interesting she thought her day was. It's funny, I used to be able to tell my parents anything. Anything at all. They would listen and give their perspective. I miss those days. I've missed those days for around ten years now. Because around the time I turned 7, I realised I can't rely on them to help me heal the pain of being excluded, picked on and put down. Not being able to rely on them is one thing. Not being able to trust them, an entirely different situation. That came when I was in high school. My dad got ratted out to the police for dealing pot, except they couldn't find any proof of dealing, only possession. Mum threatened to divorce him if he got back into it, that he was on strike two. I was such a fool to believe that would stick. She loves him too much. When we moved into our current house, he started having his friends around again, and he started smoking pot again. I thought mum would kick up a stink again. No such luck. They actually followed my advice for once - they talked about it. I heard this and something in me broke. I wanted to yell and scream about what she had said just a year previously. It hit me then - I could no longer trust what either of them said. This was the thing that hurt worse than anything else in my life - I had always been able to trust my parents, even if my friends deserted me, everyone around me snubbed me, I could talk to my parents if I was desperate, communicate. I can't even do that any more. Luckily in my last year of high school last year, I re-found someone I didn't think I would get close to again. She was just like eveyone else, a part of the background. Something she said, though, made me start talking to her again. It turns out we have just enough in common to see each others' points of view, but just enough differences to give a different perspective. Like yesterday, when my dad said one of the most innocuous yet damaging statements I have heard from him yet. It shouldn't have hurt. I know he doesn't notice things that happen around him, yet hearing that he doesn't notice when I do things around the house just plain hurt. I still haven't spoken to him. It wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much if anyone else had said it. Why does it hurt when he or mum say things like that when I can brush it off so easily if someone else says it? My theory is this: the closer they are to you, the more it hurts when they say something nasty, even if it's unintentional. Funny. My heart is still focused mostly on the pain, but my brain races ahead to the why and figures it out within minutes. I'll have to work on not caring just a bit harder from now on. Anyone I can't trust like this needs to be in the back of my mind not the front.

The moral of all this, I suppose, is to think before you speak. I don't think my dad meant to say what he said quite like he said it, he simply didn't think about it. You have no idea how much words can hurt, and people will never see the scars they leave behind.

Unhappy News

Some dickhead shot my cat in the eye with a low-power air rifle. She is now dead.

New Experiences

Today I did my first full circuit workout at my local gym. I didn't think you'd get much working out done, but I was proved wrong. I'm going back tomorrow for my second workout. I think I could get used to being the fat girl again, especially knowing I don't have to stay that way, and knowing I'm doing something to change it. =D

Other than that, I have nothing to report. Bye!

Course funding

I finally got the letter confirming my student loan has gone through. Very pleased to know I will be getting my living allowance starting March 3. =D One of my best friends is also in the same course, with all the same classes. =D It's going to be an interesting year!

Engineering

Since I started High School, I've had no idea what direction my life should take. I think I have a broad field to explore now though. Engineering! My local polytechnic had a tour of their engineering school today, which I went on. Almost everything we saw excited me. I've never really been passionate before, so this is still kind of new, but getting to play with all that technology... I get shivers thinking about all the things I can create and all the problems I could help solve. I may be starting off as a technician, but everyone has to start somewhere and this sounds like as good a plase as any for me.

I should clarify though - I will be mostly an electrical engineer. Electrical engineering covers all of the fields and specialisations that I want to explore, and any course I do offers slots for electives from the other majors. I'm rather pleased - I've found a sense of peace from knowing roughly what direction to follow in my working and learning careers. =D

Number 1

This is my first blog. Ever. I needed something new to do. I still need something new to do - what happens when I finish this entry?

 Now, given what I know about blogs - i.e zero - I'm going to guess you just write about what you want to write about, right? Try and make it interesting for the reader? Okay then, here's a question for you: if you had absolutely nothing to do besides go to your part-time job for a month and a bit, what would you take up as a way to kill time? I have a course starting on February 21. That's a long time for me to wait with nothing to think about. I've thought maybe I could start researching the materials that will be part of the course, but as I don't actually know what the course content is, I could be learning something completely wrong without realising it. Unfortunately, I have nothing else to do. What would you reccomend?